1:01 pm
As I type this I'm listening to Jasons Slim For Life Reboot CD. I should be giving it my full attention I know.
Anyway, disaster has struck. I've given up. I'm only 5 days in and I've given up. How pathetic is that??
I've spent 3 days drinking a green juice all day and a bit of fruit. I lost 3 lb in that time. Yesterday I had the same juice, a salad and a soup. They were all yummy now I've altered the juice recipe quantities.I've just weighed myself to find I've lost another pound. 4 lb in 4 days. So...why am I now sat next to a packet of biscuits??
I've just filmed a video, but for those who aren't in a position to view it, here is some bits and bobs. For the last 4 months I've not felt deprived. I didn't even feel deprived doing the detox. Why? Because there was an end to it. After that I could eat what I wanted to IF I wanted to. Which I didn't.
However, doing this 30 day programme I have a set menu and even at the end of the 30 day programme, I can't go back to eating stuff I know I shouldn't have, even if I DON'T want to. Does that make sense? I feel deprived. My hubby just pointed out that I still have a choice. Do I eat what will irritate my eczema? No. So why do I feel like I have no choice? Because I will know those things hurt me so it would be stupid to have them.
Somebody said to me today about how our mind affects our skin. How our past can be unresolved. I kind of understand but thinking about it did lead me to a revelation.
I've realised what a love/hate relationship I have with my body. For years before I met my hubby I was beaten and mentally abused by boyfriends. Yes, plural. I learned to hate myself. I learned to hate my mind, my body and my skin.
Now think about it like this. If somebody hated you so much that they hurt you, would you not hate them back? If you were being nice to them and they continued to hurt you, wouldn't you want to hurt them back? Well that's the relationship I have with my body. I hate my body and my body got fat and made me ill. Then I tried to be nice to it by detoxing, putting fruit and veg in etc. Did my body repay me? Well, sort of. It got slimmer and some of my health problems went. However, it still attacked me from the outside. No matter how nice I am to it, my eczema gets horrid and then I hate myself again. When I hate myself I then stop caring about my body and I hurt it with what I eat. It then in return hurts me with weight gain and eczema. Vicious cycle.
Anyway, I figure that is whats going on. I'm now back in the "arseholes to my body" stage again. I'm eating these biscuits as I type in a defiant way. The kind of defiance I never had in those relationships. I have a hubby now who loves me and compliments me, so why do I still hate myself so much?
I'm wondering now if I'm getting too open about things?? Maybe I should stop the blog, stop the diary etc. I asked yesterday for comments about if to carry on the video and not one comment was made. Speaks for itself eh.
2:27 pm
I've been listening to his CD on and off and he's just said something that hit a nerve "Don't hit the sugar button". Yep, I hit it and I'm sat here totally dissatisfied. I'm like that mouse that he talks about in his book. I'm so annoyed at myself. I demolished the whole packet of biscuits. I soooo wanted a breakout afterwards so that I could see how stupid I've been....but nothing. Not even a tingle!!!! WHY?!
Sigh, so angry at myself for undoing the last 4 days. I DON'T want to go back to the 3 days of green juices. :-(
To view todays video diary (filmed at midday) please click here.
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